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Remembering intended actions and future events - By Dr Fiona McPherson

There is no such thing as a poor memory.

You may be terrible at remembering names, or great with names but lousy at remembering birthdays and anniversaries, or terrific at remembering facts you?ve read but hopeless at remembering details about people. These are memory tasks, and there are likely to be memory tasks that you are less skilled at dealing with. But memory is not a "thing". Information comes in different packages.

Think about all the different types of information you have stored in your memory:

? the name of your dentist

? your Social Security or PIN number

? the taste of chocolate

? the sound of train whistle

? the scent of a rose

? the feeling of fear

? the knowledge of how to drive a car

? your intention to pick up bread on the way home

? personal details about your neighbor

? thousands of faces

? thousands of words

and so on.

Is it logical to suppose that all these very different types of information are processed the same way? That being good at recalling one type of information means that you?re good at remembering everything?

Of course not. Being able to remember the names of all the latest Olympic gold medallists doesn?t make you reliable at remembering to pick up milk on the way home. Or at remembering your spouse?s birthday. Or to make a dentist?s appointment.

There is no relationship between your memory for facts, and your memory for future actions and intentions.

Remembering information you have learned, or experiences you have had, people you have met, usually involves retrieval cues ? things that trigger your remembering. The sight of a familiar face triggers your memory for whose face it is. The question ?What?s the capital of Australia?? triggers the stored information: ?Canberra?. Seeing your old school brings back memories of childhood days.

Occasionally, a memory seems to pop into our heads for no apparent reason, but even then, there has probably been some triggering event ? a barely noticed object, a casual thought.

Remembering your intentions is harder, because of the lack of cues. This is why, of all memory tasks, remembering to do things relies most heavily on external memory aids. Reminder notes, calendars, diaries, watch-alarms, oven-timers, leaving objects in conspicuous places ? all these external aids are acting as cues to memory. One of the most effective and easiest habits I adopted in my life was when I started using such reminders routinely ? without shame, now I realized this most importance difference between most memory tasks and intention memory (and worked out how to use them effectively!).

But there are other strategies we can use too. If we understand how intentions are encoded in memory, we can see which intentions are less likely to be remembered, and re-state them to make remembering more likely.

For example, when we form an intention, we usually link it either to an event (?after we go to the swimming-pool, we?ll go to the supermarket?) or a time (?at 2pm I must ring Fred?). But these trigger events or times frequently fail to remind us of our intention. Why?

Often it is because the trigger is not in itself particularly distinctive. Your failure to remember to ring Fred at 2pm, for example, may be because you paid little attention to the clock reaching that time, or because there were other competing activities triggered by that same time signal.

In general, time is a much less effective trigger than an event. So, one very easy action you can take is to re-state your intention as an event-based intention rather than a time-based one. Instead of thinking: I?ll ring Fred at two, think: I?ll ring Fred after my meeting with Joan.

BEST TIPS FOR REMEMBERING INTENTIONS:

? Get into the habit of writing yourself notes or providing physical reminders of your intentions.

? When forming an intention, try to link it to an event, preferably a memorable one.

For more about intention memory, download an excerpt from the forthcoming e-book Remembering intentions, at http://www.memory-key.com/excerpt_intention.pdf

Dr Fiona McPherson is the author of The Memory Key, a practical handbook that goes beyond mnemonics to help you achieve genuine, long-lasting memory improvement. Her website, www.memory-key.com, provides information about how memory works and effective memory strategies.

Putting Fun Into Parenting - By David Stoepker, Psy.D., & Erin Brown Conroy, M.A.

Do you remember Dennis the Menace cartoons? Robert Ketchum, the cartoon?s author, often struck a familiar chord with parents through his humorous and honest comic strip. Like the one where Dennis and his pal Joey are playing in the foreground, while Dennis? mother stands in a doorway some distance in the background, red-faced and obviously shouting at the top of her lungs for Dennis. Dennis says to Joey, ?I don?t have to go in yet. That?s not her real angry voice.?

Parenting can be very stressful and even seem impossible at times ? especially when children are oppositional. From mild resistance to downright defiance, children often challenge us, stretching our parenting skills and patience. And the odds of our child?s resistance often seem to increase directly in proportion to how much of a hurry we?re in! It?s at these times that few moms and dads describe parenting as ?fun.? Yet fun may be the key to breaking the parent-child stand off.

The Benefits of Fun, Humor, and Play

Fun, humor, and play are important in raising children for several reasons:

1. Research shows that laughter is healthy. There are actual changes that take place physically, within us, when we laugh. After laughter, chemicals that suppress the immune system drop, infection-fighting agents rise, blood pressure drops, and pain tolerance increases.

2. For children, play is a major form of communicating and learning about life. Play helps to ?speak? to a child in the language that they understand best: play.

3. Humor relieves stress. By creating emotional distance from the stressful event, there is a cathartic release of emotion, breaking the negative cycle in which the child and parent are spinning.

4. Laughing with our child enhances the bonding process. Bonding through laughter can especially be seen in infants ages three to four months, who connect with parents through smiles and laughter long before they?re able to talk. Some research even demonstrates that mothers who laugh more have babies who laugh more. People in general experience a sense of ?connectedness? when sharing a good laugh together.

How to Bring Laughter, Play, and Humor into your Parenting

If you let your imagination go, you can come up with several ways to incorporate laughter, play, and humor into your parenting. Brainstorm ideas with a group of parents, and your list can be endless. Here are some suggestions to get you started on your way to putting fun into parenting.

? Set aside a time each day (such as after a meal or at bedtime) when each family member shares a joke, riddle, humorous event, or some other funny experience that happened that particular day.

? Occasionally ? and unexpectedly ? walk in on a child who?s busy, smile mischievously, and ask, ?Do you want to hear a joke?? (This is much better than always catching a child doing something wrong and administering a punishment)

? Have a family bulletin board especially for cartoons and jokes.

? Leave notes with a smiling face or with an affirming comment for your child to find.

? Play charades together as a family dramatizing cartoons or humorous events.

? Have a ?family basket? decorated with smiles that every member can put especially funny cartoons, jokes, or riddles. Draw out one or more to read when you and your child need some ?laughter medicine? in your life.

Humor to Relieve Stress

When children have difficulty complying with a parent because of frustration, tiredness, or stress, it may help to break the cycle with some quick humor. Here are some practical suggestions for taking a U-turn when things are relationally going south and need a turnaround through a speedy dose of humor.

? A parent can call ?time out for a joke? and read a quick quip from the ?family basket? described above.

? If the children are complaining about the food at mealtime, say, ?The next one to complain has to have chicken for supper!? Then bring out a rubber chicken and hang it on the chair of the complainer.

? If your child is slow to brush his or her teeth, wind up a set of plastic chattering teeth and challenge your child to finish brushing before the teeth stop chattering.

? When homework gets frustrating, bring out a rubber pencil or giant-sized pencil to help with those ?big problems.? Giant erasers are also for sale in novelty and gift shops for ?big mistakes.? Recently, I found ink pens that light up to ?shed a little light on the problem.?

? Reading the parent a joke from a favorite joke book can be a reward, once your child has (finally) complied with your expectation or desire.

Play and that Challenging (and all-too-familiar) Oppositional Stage of Development

Play can be especially helpful when children are going through the oppositional stage of development. The use of playful competition can be an almost miraculous strategy to use for results with a smile. Here are some suggestions.

? If your child tends to resist washing hands before meals, playfully say, ?I?ll finish washing my hands before you do!? If said and done in a clearly light-hearted, playful way, positive competition can work well to help your child along with a smile. This method works great for not just hand-washing, but for any behavior, such as coming to the table for a meal, getting in the car, clicking on a seatbelt, or brushing teeth.

? Simply frame a situation in terms that imply that your child is in control. If your tired child is slow to pick up toys at bedtime, say to your child, ?You can?t make me pick up a toy.? Then let your child know that the game works in this way: Every time your child picks up a toy, the parent has to pick up a toy as well. Once the child is ?into? the game, make it especially fun by begging your child to not pick up any more toys so that you, as a parent, don?t have to pick up any more toys. You can even begin to complain, ?Not again! No, please! No more!? Kids often get a charge out of ?making the parent do something.? If said and done with playfulness, the toys (or other task) will be completed in no time at all.

Approaching oppositional children with humor and play (as in these examples) as a matter of routine can remove much stress from the task of parenting ? and save a lot of time and energy, compared to methods of yelling and punishing.

A Caution

One caution in using humor: Humor must be done in a playful, uplifting way. Avoid sarcasm and hostile humor, which will actually make the situation worse and be emotionally hurtful to your child.

A Final Word

As a parent, humor is absolutely necessary for your mental health. Keeping a perspective of humor goes a long way for feeling good and acting in a healthy way toward your child. Here are some final suggestions for ways that you, the parent, can maintain a perspective of healthy humor.

? When you?re in a stressful situation, pretend you?re on a television, taping an ?I Love Lucy? show, ?America?s Funniest Videos,? or ?Candid Camera.?

? Smile spontaneously to a stranger and watch their reaction.

? Draw a picture of a stressful event with your non-dominant hand.

? Set up a minimum number of mistakes to make in a day. Humorously keep count.

? Put a note on your keys that says, ?If you have these, I don?t.?

? Finally, if you?re in a hurry, play some appropriate fast-paced background music such as the William Tell Overture.

Laugh, play, and have fun with your children. It can make a vast difference in your relationship together.

David Stoepker, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist at Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services in Kalamazoo, Michigan, where he?s worked with children and families for 20 years. For information on his availability for workshops on Putting the Fun into Parenting, send an email to David.Stoepker@PineRest.org. Erin Brown Conroy, M.A., expert author and speaker regarding education and child development, resides in Michigan with her husband and 12 children. For more practical ideas for great parenting, for information on Erin?s book, 20 Secrets to Success with Your Child (Copyright 2003, Celtic Cross Publishing), or to contact Erin, visit www.ParentingWithSuccess.com.

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