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I?m Sorry! Blame-Game or Accountability? - By Sharon EllisonA powerful tool for health as we approach the new year can be to focus on giving and/or receiving only real apologies when we want to heal a rift with a family member, friend, or co-worker. We hear apologies all the time, but I don?t think many of them are sincere. An apology has to be real to heal.Trang Lei spent the day helping Martha buy furniture and art for her remodeled living room, but Martha never even offered to buy Trang Lei?s lunch and so she felt unappreciated. Later when she told Martha she felt hurt, Martha said, ?I?m sorry. I was just so excited about what I was buying that I didn?t even think about it.? Trang Lei did not feel better. In fact, she felt worse. ? What was wrong with Martha?s apology? Martha?s apology came with a built-in excuse, implying that however she behaved was unintentional?beyond her conscious control. Moreover, Martha has an expectation that Trang Lei will accept the excuse. Thus, Martha perpetuates the original problem by continuing to be more focused on herself than on Trang Lei. I call this kind of apology ?Sorry-Excuse.? Even Martha wasn?t consciously manipulating, her goal was not to take responsibility but to find a way out of it. In most cases, if you don?t accept other people?s excuses when they apologize, they will quickly get irrupted at you, blaming you for not being understanding. When we receive a counterfeit apology we often sense it and so rather than the hurt being healed, it is deepened?as in the old saying, ?adding insult to injury.? I think almost all of us give such apologies. And we model it for our children. Guidelines for making real apologies: One: Identify common formats for apology that are" counterfeit." If you clearly various types of bogus apologies, it will help you recognize when you give or receive an one. Here are some examples of common phrasing. ? ?Sorry?Excuse? ? Example: ?I?m sorry I didn?t call?I?ve been really busy.? ? Translation: Please be understanding about the fact that other things were more important than you.? ? ?Sorry?Denial of Intent? ? Example: ?I?m sorry you took it that way. It wasn?t what I meant.? ? Translation: I think it?s too bad that you had difficulty understanding me correctly. ? Example: ?I?m sorry if I offended you.? ? Translation: I can?t think of anything I did wrong, but if you think so, I?d be happy to apologize so I can get back in your good graces. ? ?Sorry?Blame? ? Example: ?I?m sorry I didn?t call sooner. Have you been feeling Insecure about our relationship lately?? ? Translation: If you are upset about my not calling, the real cause is your own insecurity, not anything I did. Two: Only say ?I?m sorry,? when you mean it and can specify exactly what you are apologizing for When we give what I believe is a ?healthy? or authentic apology, we can state clearly what we did that was disrespectful or inconsiderate without: ? immediately explaining why we did it, ? telling the person that however it looked or sounded, it wasn?t our real intention, or, ? bringing up some other issue that suggests that the other person contributed to or caused the problem. For example, instead of focusing on why she didn?t buy Trang-Lei?s lunch?her excuse, Martha could have taken full responsibility, saying, ?I?m so sorry I hurt you. There is no excuse for me to forget to buy your lunch. Even that would have been a small thank you for how much you helped me. And you spent your only day off doing it.? Here, Martha uses her apology to show her real appreciation as well as her sadness that she didn?t do so earlier. ? Three: Decline to accept an apology that is not given sincerely. When you accept an apology, and then walk away knowing it wasn?t real, you enter a world of make-believe where you pretend an issue is resolved while harboring resentments. Gently, firmly, without anger, you can decline a hollow apology. For example: ? If you believe that I simply misunderstood you, then I would rather not have an apology from you. ? Only if you believe you did something hurtful would I want one. When you refuse to accept an insincere apology, you refuse to surrender to being manipulated or pacified and you hold the other person more accountable?without having to argue or try to force an apology. You are likely to feel greater confidence. Real Apologies Build Character and Respect If we can change how we give and receive apologies, we can become less defensive, gain insight, grow wiser, and strengthen all of our relationships. We can also, then, be a strong model for others, including our children, teaching them that real apologies show strength of character, gain the respect of others, and have great healing power. This article is based on the book Taking the War Out of Our Words by Sharon Ellison, available through your local bookstore or favorite online bookseller. Sharon Ellison, M.S. is an award winning speaker and international consultant. Sharon Ellison, author of Taking the War Out of Our Words, has written a number of helpful articles for individuals seeking information on relationships, psychology, parenting and mental health. She is a founder of Ellison Communication Consultants, of Oakland, California, and an award-winning speaker and internationally recognized consultant. 8 BOXING LESSONS YOU CAN USE TO SELL MORE !!! - By Joel "DoubleSeller" MendozaI?m a big boxing fan. I admire the fighters who go out there in the ring, take hard-hitting blows and risk their own lives to win money, fame and respect. I get mesmerized watching the suspense action in the arena. You know, the intimidation game, the staredowns, the strategic coaching, the sound of the screaming fans all the ingredients that make boxing such an exciting sport. The stakes are high and the prizes are huge. Some guys win by points while most finish the game with a surprise knock-out. This is a game that requires blood, sweat and tears to emerge as the ultimate champion. And I?ve learned to use the 8 powerful secrets of the greatest boxers to succeed in selling. If you love the challenge and the feeling of victory, let me help you. By sticking to a few simple rules, you too can tremendously improve your record. Okay Champ, sit in your corner and let?s get started with your training? 1. TRAIN HARD FOR BOTH SMALL AND BIG FIGHTS. Whether you are going after a small sale or a sizable one, you must condition yourself with equal intensity. You will consistently win more sales if you maintain the same good habits and personal discipline everyday. Spar with a fellow salesperson to build your strength, speed and endurance. Take your game to the next level. Set a big sales goal and go for it! 2. KNOW YOUR OPPONENTS WELL. Who are your opponents in sales? They are Fear ?The Confidence Destroyer?, Doubt ?The Faith Killer? and Worry ?The Energy Waster?. Believe me, they are your three ferocious enemies and you need to dominate them right away when you get inside the ring. Conquer them and you`ll rise to the top! 3. PLAY YOUR BEST IN EVERY ROUND. Don?t settle for a mediocre performance. To become legendary, do not be content with the bare minimum. Learn from your previous losses quickly and move on. Keep your poise and enthusiasm. Today is full of new and better opportunities. When the bell rings, sell with confidence, flair and style. Do your absolute best in the prospecting, qualifying, presenting and closing rounds. Keep your desire to become number one burning inside of you! 4. USE A COMBINATION OF WEAPONS. The most dangerous boxer is the one who can throw jabs, hooks, upper-cuts and body shots. Next time you sell, start with an attention grabbing opening, present solid facts, add convincing testimonials and follow-up with explosive references to break the customer?s defense. Get your prospect closely involved with the action. Counterpunch with features and benefits when you get cornered with objections. Make sure to anticipate their every move and learn to dodge effectively. 5. NEVER USE DIRTY TACTICS! Hitting below the belt and resorting to throwing low-blows is a no-no! Think, act and talk like a professional. There is no need for manipulation, deception and gimmicks to complete a sale. A good reputation is a more powerful tool. Yes, honesty is still the best policy in today`s business environment. Your customers deserve that. Give it to them! 6. EARLY SURRENDER IS NOT AN OPTION. Expect to take some hits but don?t easily take a NO for an answer. Find out exactly what?s keeping the customer from making a decision to purchase. Rejections can feel like painful jabs to the ego but you must keep fighting with all you?ve got. Getting knocked down repeatedly hurts, but keep getting up. That?s why you must believe in yourself and the products that you?re selling. Never quit too soon. Rest if you must and then try again. Say to yourself, "When the going gets tough, the tough keeps selling!" 7. GO FOR THE KNOCK-OUT PUNCH! When a boxer sees an opening, he does not waste his chance. Once you see the signal that your customer is ready to buy, go for the closing move. Ask for the sale without delay or hesitation. Trust your gut feeling to time your close. Be known as the smart and gutsy finisher! 8. YOU GOTTA LOVE WHAT YOU DO. If you really enjoy what you?re doing, good things will follow. You will earn more money, get promoted faster into the upper ranks and your customers will become your loyal fans. Sell with passion and your efforts will be recognized and rewarded. Go ahead, do what you love and love what you do! That?s all there is to it. Just like in boxing, the basic fundamentals mixed with faith, hard work, dedication and patience will take you very far in your sales career. Remember that when a sale is made, an agreement is reached or a contract is signed ? there are no losers. Both of you and your customers win. Now, put on your selling gloves and become the unstoppable Sales Champion of The World! Joel Mendoza is the Author of America?s Hottest Sale Book ? DOUBLE-SELLING (The Amazing Sales Manual) Get The e-book that shocked salespeople in America! Double Your Sales Easily Using any of the 150 secrets inside! Drop everything and Download Your Copy Right Now. Click here: http://www.DoubleSelling.com Project index
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