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One Potato, Two Potato . . .French Fries . . . Couch Potato? - By Dr. Michael Popkin

Our daughter, Megan, was barely walking when my mother made the comment that she seemed a little chubby. My wife and I naturally took great offense at this slight to our first born and heretofore perfect offspring, protesting that this was only a case of baby fat. My mother quickly backed off, saying that chubby wasn`t really fat, but only?well?chubby. Graciously we accepted her back-pedaling and were pretty well mollified until an hour or so later when we all settled back on the sofa after a big meal to watch TV. A few minutes into the show, a clearly obese actress appeared on the screen and my mother blurted out, "Wow, she sure is chubby."

Megan is now seventeen and there isn`t a chubby bone in her athletic body. Our son, Ben, is thirteen and playing football at the flyweight of a mere 76 pounds and wishes he could somehow put on a few pounds. But they are getting to be more and more the exception. The American Obesity Association reports that about 30% of children and teens today are overweight, and that about half of those qualify as obese. This is 2.5 times the rate it was just 30 years ago.

Among other problems, these kids are at higher risk for asthma, diabetes, hypertension and orthopedic problems not to mention being teased unmercifully by their peers. In a society that still overly glamorizes model-like physiques as the sine qua non of physical beauty, this can also lead to self-image issues, depression, and eating disorders. Oh, and these kids are also at much greater risk at becoming overweight and obese adults. Of course, by that time they will have lots of company as the incidence of overweight adults is now up to almost 66%. That two-thirds of us fall into this category (I pause to pinch my love handles, wondering if I qualify or not at 6`1" and 195 pounds) makes us wonder what has been going on in our society the past 30 years that?s making us so?well?chubby? You can`t blame increases of this magnitude on genetics, unless we have become a nation of teenage mutant ninja butterballs.

The evidence points more to lifestyle and diet. We have become a nation of fast food junkies munching away at French fries and other high-carb foods while frenetically on the go. Unfortunately, on the go in this case does not usually include exercise. At thirteen I was usually outside playing the sport du jour (basketball, baseball, football), while nowadays my son would rather be inside on the couch mastering the latest video game. I wonder how many calories one can burn defeating Japanese martial arts villains in a video game?

We have been teaching parents the importance of healthy activities in Active Parenting programs since the beginning, stressing that taking time for fun together is a great way to build relationships and teach qualities of character.

My wife sets an even better example for our children. Being a runner and veteran of a dozen Peachtree Road Races, she has made exercise and good diet a part of our family lifestyle. She even taught Megan and Ben to like broccoli by serving it as an appetizer (when they were the most hungry) as they grew up, and she`s made sure that our family vacations have routinely included mountain biking, hiking and other physical activities. In this era of fast food and faster living we need to follow such examples.

Some ideas to tackle this problem from the American Obesity Association and Active Parenting include:

? Make time for the entire family to participate in regular physical activities like walking, biking or rollerblading.

? Assign active chores to each family member such as vacuuming, washing the car or mowing the lawn

? Encourage your child to join a sports team at school or a recreation center.

? Limit the amount of screen time your child engages in (that includes TV, video and computer time).

? Serve a healthy diet, limiting fried foods, sugar and other unhealthy products.

? Encourage your children to be part of the planning, preparation and cooking of some of the meals.

? Eat more meals together at the dinner table at regular times.

? Have healthy snack food available such as fruits, vegetables and yogurt.

? Avoid serving portions that are too large (and share overly large portions when you eat out).

? Avoid forcing your child to eat when he/she is not hungry (If your child is losing too much weight, consult a healthcare professional).

? Limit fast-food eating to no more than once a week (and don`t supersize it).

? Avoid using food as a reward or lack of food as a punishment.

There is no real substitute for exercise and diet when it comes to teaching our kids, and ourselves, how to have a healthy weight in life. We teach our kids how to count by playing such games as one potato, two potato? Now let`s teach the whole family to pass on the French fries and get off the couch. Otherwise, somebody`s mother is going to be calling all of us chubby pretty soon.

Dr. Popkin?s newest book, the Active Parenting Now AudioBook, explains how to use effective discipline and communication skills to help your family run more smoothly. Visit www.ActiveParenting.com for more information about all of our parenting resources.

For more information about Active Parenting?s Online Parenting classes, go to www.ActiveParenting.com/Parents

Michael H. Popkin, Ph.D., founder of Active Parenting Publishers in 1983, has written and produced more than a dozen video and discussion programs.

Prior to founding Active Parenting Publishers, Dr. Popkin practiced family therapy in Atlanta. His work with confused parents and unhappy children convinced him that parents were not receiving the information and tools they needed to help their children become responsible, contented adults. He has served on numerous advisory boards, including the panel of experts assembled for the United States Office of Substance Abuse Prevention. He is widely known for his expertise in the field of parent education and has appeared on over 100 TV programs, including CNN and ?The Oprah Winfrey Show.?

Dr. Popkin earned a Doctorate in Counseling Psychology from Georgia State University and served as Director of Child and Family Services at an Atlanta hospital before entering private practice. Dr. Popkin lives in Atlanta with his wife and two children.

Finding the Magic - By Sandy Goodman

Once again, it`s that time of year. Halloween is over, Thanksgiving is fast approaching, and Christmas is only a few steps behind. Will this year be different than the last seven? Will I find the magic again? Wait, let me revise that question. Did I ever feel the magic?

As a bereaved parent, I have experienced only two holiday seasons. While I have physically lived through forty-nine ?hell-a-days?, emotionally, there have been only two. The ones before and the ones after Jason`s death. The two categories are distinctly different.

If memory serves me correctly, which God knows it doesn`t always do, I spent the first forty-two years focused on material issues. What would I get? What did I want? What would make me the happiest child in the whole world? As I grew older and had my own little family, I spent the next twenty-two years asking myself what I would get them. What did they want? What would make them love me more? How would I manage to pay for all of it? I always felt there was something missing but didn`t really have the time or interest to find that missing something. Besides, why borrow trouble? Each year, by the time I realized that something was missing, the decorations were packed in their boxes and the kids had gone back to school. I could always find the magic next year.

In 1996, Jason died. Suddenly, my life ended its forward march and everything I had ever regarded as important became nonsense. My heart was not simply broken; it was ripped into shreds, emptied of what had fueled it over the span of my life. I had no hope of waiting for it to heal and had to face the reality that only a total reconstruction would suffice. I would have to create a new heart?from scratch.

That first fall was difficult. I was still numb, still cushioned from reality, but the pain of Jason`s death was beginning to seep in. Then it was Halloween and the horror of what had happened was upon me. Thanksgiving came with Christmas on its tail, bringing an empty chair, an unbroken wishbone, and silence where laughter had once prevailed.

I was sure it could not get any worse, but life always surprises us. The holidays of 1997 and 1998 were devastating. The numbness that had protected me that first season was gone. Reality had arrived and I could not escape it. I would never again see Jason walk through our front door with that grin that always made me nervous, tracking snow across my "freshly waxed for the holidays" floor. I would never again buy two of everything for Jason and his twin brother. I would never again enjoy the holidays?or life.

Years four through seven, we bought gifts for needy families, hung Jason`s stocking right beside the rest of ours, illuminated special candles to include him in our celebrations, and smiled cheerfully at everyone who offered us their joy filled ?Merry Christmas.? And as I spread my Christmas cheer and good will toward men, I had only one thought in my mind. It became my mantra. "If I can just make it through December, I will be okay." I was no longer focused on the material side of the season. I was no longer focused on the season at all. I wanted it over.

And now, here I am, at year eight. My eighth season of joy, my eighth year of decking the halls, my eighth year of Jason`s physical absence. You probably think I am going to tell you that this year will be no different than the last seven. You might even anticipate that I am going to tell you that it never gets better, that there is no such thing as healing, and that grieving parents will always be bitter and angry, especially during the times when families everywhere celebrate the season of giving. Wrong. But don`t feel bad?this revelation has totally shocked me as well.

A few days ago, on a cold morning in October, I woke up and was amazed to see that it was snowing. Overnight, the world had gone from brown to pure glistening white. It was beautiful. Later that day, I heard someone in my home actually humming Christmas carols. How dare they!? But . . . I was alone. It was me. That evening, I spent an hour printing up a beautiful green and red Christmas "wish list" with graphics! That was the straw that broke the camels back. Suddenly, it hit me. And no matter how guilty I feel in acknowledging it, I have to tell you. I am looking forward to the holidays. Oh . . . my . . . GOD. How can this be? Why is this happening?

Well, after much pondering, I think I know why. I think I spent forty-two holidays looking through a lens that only focused on black and white, on the physical, on that which can be seen and physically felt. The lavishly wrapped gifts, the excessive food, the amount of money spent, and the glittering (sometimes gaudy) lights on the tree. The next seven were spent looking through a lens that was distorted and scarred by grief. I focused on what was missing, rather than on what was still here. I think I wanted it that way.

But now, I feel I`ve learned how to not only endure, but to enjoy, a memory that can only be defined as bittersweet. I`ve come to appreciate that feeling emotional is really about feeling impassioned. And I think this year, as the songs start to play on the radio and the cards begin filling our mailbox, I will choose a different lens, a lens that captures that which we cannot see or physically touch. A lens that goes beyond.

Not everything will change. I will still hang Jason`s stocking beside ours, buy gifts for the needy, light candles in his memory, and all of the other things that have made the last seven years bearable. But this year, I hope to do these things with joy, rather than with bitterness and sorrow. This year, I want to grasp the hand of a homeless mother, kiss the cheek of a newborn baby, and hold a kitten while it plays in the place where kittens go to dream. I want to watch Santa as he holds wiggly toddlers on his lap. I want to sing ?Silent Night? on a snowy night in mid-December when it feels as if all the world is sleeping. I want to feel the Christmas that we cannot see.

This year, I want to remember who I really am. I want to enjoy the months ahead. Not because I need to or because someone says it`s time to, but because, well, because I can. This year, I want to find the magic before it is time to put away the boxes. And I won`t stop searching until I find it.

Merry Christmas to you and yours . . .

Believe in magic,

And always . . . expect miracles.

Sandy Goodman is the author of Love Never Dies: A Mother`s Journey from Loss to Love, (Jodere, 2002). You can learn more about Sandy, her journey, and her book by visiting her website at http://www.loveneverdies.net

Four years after the death of her son, Jason, Sandy Goodman realized she had found a way to survive the unthinkable. She sat down and began writing the story of her journey through grief, hoping to reach others who needed a light in the darkness. Love Never Dies: A Mother?s Journey from Loss to Love is her first book.

Sandy is the founder, Chapter Leader, and Newsletter Editor of the Wind River Chapter of the Compassionate Friends. She and her husband Dave have been Resident Counselors in a group home for at-risk youth in central Wyoming for 15 years, and are both actively involved in the Wyoming Association for Child and Youth Care Professionals.

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