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Jerk alert! Is he a clown or a keeper? You`ll know for sure if you heed these signsEssence , June, 2003 by Pamela K. JohnsonA few years ago, I got involved with a man I shall--to protect the guilty--call Thomas. (Names and potentially incriminating details have been changed throughout.) He was new to the small town where I lived, but I knew his cousin, so I took Thomas at face value. Besides, the place was short on Black-male prospects, and Thomas, who hailed from a chocolate city, brought with him a sexy street vibe that I took a liking to. We had lots of fun together, going to baseball games, to all-you-can-eat cafeterias and, eventually, to my place and to his for nightcaps. It wasn`t hope-to-die love, but he was easy to be with and I started to think of him as my man. A few months after we met, as Thomas and I sat in a laundromat chatting and watching my clothes chase one another in the jumbo dryer, a police siren blared. It got closer and closer. Suddenly Thomas hopped out of his seat, looking crazed. "Relax," I said, "they`re not coming for you." "How do you know?" His eyes fixed on mine. "Well, why would they?" "Because I`m wanted in three states," he whispered. "What?!" I squawked. He told me the offenses, none of which had been violent. Still, three states worth of bad behavior was plenty for me. I started to imagine us as a twenty-first-century Bonnie and Clyde dodging round after round of police bullets. That`s when Sistergirl had to step. You know how it goes. You meet a guy and all the bells and whistles go off. He seems perfect until you discover the thing that you cannot live with. No way, no how. Once you discover it, you realize that there were hints all along, and you wonder why you didn`t pick up on them before you invited him into your heart. Don`t beat yourself up over it. We`ve all let a bozo or two spend more time than he should in our lives. But when we start to feel as if we`ve dated the whole Ringling Brothers crew, it`s time to wise up and ask ourselves what role we`ve played in creating our own circus. Too often we rush into romance. In our haste and hunger, we let ourselves get jerked around--not only by the guy, but also by our own gullibility. Slow down, suggests John Van Epp, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist in Ohio. In his videotape series and forthcoming book How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, he emphasizes the importance of taking relationships one step at a time. This means squelching the impulse to hurry up and get with him because (a) he`s so fine, (b) he`s so sweet, (c) he`s such a firecracker between the sheets, or (d) all of the above. Van Epp says that strong love connections--the kind that lead to happily-ever-after marriages--depend on bonding in five key areas: knowledge, trust, reliance, commitment and sex. These are the bricks with which you build the base of a good relationship. To keep the foundation solid, level and balanced, you`ll want to make sure you`re no farther along in one area than another. For example, if you commit yourself to someone who hasn`t shown you that you can rely on him, you`ve set yourself up for disappointment. You may find yourself deeply involved emotionally (and perhaps physically, financially and in other ways) with someone you can`t be sure is there for you when the road gets rocky. Or if you sleep together after, say, two weeks, you`re having sex before you`ve developed sufficient trust. (How can you trust him? You haven`t spent enough time with him to know where he`s coming from.) But when you`re smart about whom you let into your heart--and how soon--you won`t waste precious time on a guy who`s not a keeper, greatly enhancing your odds of finding lasting love. THE OUTLAW Even some of my closest friends have never heard the story of my fugitive-from-the-law boyfriend. I felt too embarrassed by it, as if I should somehow have seen him coming. But I shouldn`t blame myself, Van Epp says. My experience just underscores why you can`t skip ahead. "There`s no way to know someone outside of spending time with him and sharing experiences," adds Van Epp. "Instead, some people know a person at level 2, yet form attachment at level 8." Instead of taking Thomas at face value, I might have asked him more questions over our buffet suppers. You don`t want to interrogate a guy and intimidate him, Van Epp says, but you do want to inquire about things such as his childhood, his relationship with his family, his past romantic liaisons, the things that influenced him the most, his likes and dislikes. I could even have asked Thomas--in a completely casual conversation about, say, Black men and racial profiling--if he himself had ever had a run-in with the law. (I wish I`d thought of that one.) And don`t just rely on what a guy says; rather, make sure to watch him in action. Check his moods and the way he handles his emotions. Assess his level of maturity and his ability to put things in perspective. Look for patterns and find out what`s behind them. You`ll begin to get an image of the man that you can hold against the retouched picture he presents when he`s trying to impress. If who he says he is and who you see are two different people, put on the brakes. You`re Playing With My Mind!Fast Company , June, 2004 by Ian WylieContent provided in partnership with I`m in Stockholm, playing Mindball. And stunningly, I`m beating Bitte Hannell, a partner of the company that hopes to turn Mindball into a gaming phenomenon. Call it beginner`s luck--or evidence that I`m just really relaxed. Mindball is a slightly surreal take on table soccer, where players move the ball with nothing but their brain waves. To compete successfully, you . . . don`t compete. Just close your eyes, relax, and empty your head. Okay, so it`s not a great spectator sport, but since last fall, Hannell`s Swedish startup, Interactive Productline, has been selling Mindball tables, at $19,000 a throw, to educational science centers, spas, and corporate retreats from Vancouver, British Columbia, to Singapore. For the stressed-out CEO who has everything, there`s a handsome $33,000 walnut version. Mindball is played on a 4-foot-long table by two people with electrodes taped to their Read the full article with a Free Trial at KeepMedia.Eyes relaxation index
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